Eli Roberts
Eli has a rich and complex history and features heavily in the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. He appears or is mentioned in the episodes below. Episode 4 - Eli Roberts In October 2015, Eli Robert owns "Roberts Slaughterhouse" in South Wales and speaks about the mental and physical welfare of his employees. His disdain for legal guidelines and Health and Safety is made clear. Episode 8 - Eli Roberts Investigation In February 2016, Phillip Seastram from the Food Standards Agency investigates Eli's slaughterhouse following his interview on the podcast. He confirmed that the slaughterhouse is not officially registered, but has been registered as a theme park. Phillip talks about how Eli allows guests to watch the slaughter and email in with suggestions on what to do with the cows. The slaughterhouse is burnt to the ground. Eli's licence to operate a theme park, slaughterhouse or any form of dance club has been revoked, but there are reports of Eli slaughtering in his back garden. Host investigates and speaks to Eli but is kidnapped at gunpoint. Eli takes Host into a rocket and launches them into space to expand Host's mind and show him he has a softer and more curious side, along with how pointless Health and Safety is. Episode 15 - Eli Roberts Goes Legit In September 2016, Eli is interviewed again, despite Host's misgivings, to discuss his new business - a Mosquito Farm. There were claims that the waste from Eli's slaughterhouse killed all the animals on the farm, despite the waste being 'organic'. After purchasing the farm, Eli's initial idea is to have a "Family Entertainment Zone" with a range of animals. However, the animals drank from the poisoned river and died. Eli decided to fill the farm with a hardy animal, like himself. Eli insists he would survive and thrive in a post-apocalyptic scenario, as he would be able to "get on with it". Lobsters were too expensive, Eli didn't want to exploit scorpions, so mosquitoes were chosen. Eli's World of Mosquito Mayhem opened, sectioned into different breeds/strains. He believes the zoo gives people the view that life is hard and painful, and will be grateful for any life lived afterwards. Eli speaks of his father and how hard his childhood was made. As a result, Eli regularly screams at a picture of his father but believes that every day is a blessing Episode 21 - The Church Of Eli In March 2017, Phillip Seastram, now from Animal Welfare, speaks of the aftermath of dealing with Eli Roberts and how the first case after changing jobs was the raid of Mosquito Mayhem. They found Eli fully naked, swinging a sword (named Bertha) and chanting. The mosquitoes seemed to be responding and began circling and enclosing the raid group. When the cloud dissipated, Eli was gone and therefore escaped capture. When Animal Welfare caught up with Eli, he had formed a new religion - The Church of Eli. Phillip claims Eli focuses on recruiting the vulnerable. Despite Phillip's warnings, Host visits the compound where Eli lives. Eli was frustrated with the legal system coming after him and "cut his losses", but does not regret the decision to open Mosquito Mayhem as it made him stronger. He believes that he did not catch any diseases from the mosquitoes because he is chosen for a higher purpose. The members of his church are known as 'The Persuasion' and worship Malcolm, a bull who Eli tried to kill 11 times (strangulation, bludgeoning, electrocution, bolt gun, stabbing, cut throat, drowning, run over by tractor, buried alive, hit by train and thrown off the top of car park). None of these succeeded, although he was "quite the state". Finally, Eli gave Malcolm some bleach to drink, which finished him off. The Persuasion are put through brutal tests to test their inner strength. Many of these result in fatalities - there were originally 12 members, of which 4 died. A member of the public - Barry - wishes to join The Church of Eli. Eli communes with the spirit of Malcolm and decides that Barry's test is to submerge himself in a trough of urine. Barry survives and trades moos with Eli. Episode 31 - Redeeming Eli, Part 1 Eli contacted The Beef and Dairy Network in late 2017 to ask them to save his reputation. In Llancig, Eli has expanded his cult. Host visits Eli, who is uncharacteristically jittery. He believes he has been portrayed unfairly and reveals some of his childhood, including information about his father. Eli's father, Nikolai, was involved in Stalin's purges and often took Eli hunting. They defected to Britain when Eli was 8, moving into a small house in Llancig. Nikolai scared the village and taught Eli that fear leads to respect. Eli reasons that Nikolai was not a bad man because in the purges he may have killed someone who would go on to commit worse crimes. When Nikolai disappeared into the woods one day, Eli was left as the head of the household and started up his slaughterhouse business. Eli charged less for his services as he would use his bare hands (or whatever tools were available). He experimented with the best way to kill animals, and considered his methods 'pure' as it was a form of hand-to-hand combat. None of the villagers were willing to speak to Host, but an ex-villager of Llancig - Gwenthian - speaks of how there was a lot of fear and villagers commonly went missing. She followed Eli and photographed him covered in blood, killing a cat. Soon after, she received a package of polaroids of herself and a "Frankenstein" of animals. Gwenthian left the village soon after. A second ex-villager - Jeff - worked at Eli's slaughterhouse. He described how Eli used mental and physical tactics to stop people leaving, such as laying a spike strip across the road. Jeff tried to resign after 2 weeks in the slaughterhouse but Eli forced his way into the house and marched Jeff back to work. He stayed for 2 years before giving his resignation again but Eli showed up at Jeff's house again, this time having set Jeff's car on fire. Another 2 years pass and Jeff sneaks out of the village on a Santa sleigh. Eli discovered that Host had been talking to ex-villagers about him, and left multiple threatening and rambling voicemails. Jodie Branch, a journalist, speaks to Host about her time covering Llancig. She was approached by Eli and found him confusingly charming. Jodie warns Host to note believe a word out of Eli's mouth, and reveals that Eli's father was actually a mild mannered Welsh accountant and, as far as the evidence suggests, Eli murdered him. Jodie also uncovered another shocking truth - Eli's mother, who Eli had previously refused to speak about - was forced to marry Eli, with the entire village and a priest also forced to participate. When Jodie gave her story to the paper, it was disregarded and she was fired. Host is uncertain if he is willing to continue investigating Eli until he hears a news report that Eli has been arrested after killing a man with a 7 pound lump-hammer and feels he must continue. Episode 32 - Redeeming Eli, Part 2 Eli's murder trial is widely publicised, and DCI Dexter Whatley speaks of the difficulties in apprehending Eli. Eli was tasered at least 24 times but there was no apparent affect other than to infuriate Eli further. He was finally subdued when a large metal bin was pushed of the top of a building onto him. Dr Sam Archer assessed Eli mentally, focusing on his empathy levels. Eli was shown to be acutely aware of how his actions affect others, implying that he just does not give a shit. Members of the Church of Eli hired a barrister for Eli, Penny Eggremont. Penny was eager to defend Eli due to the challenge that the damning evidence presented. Eli requested a character witness, and requested Phillip Seastram, who has had multiple previous dealings with Eli. In a Silence Of The Lambs-esque scene, Eli claims that the past encounters were just "banter". Against Phillip's better judgement, he began warming to Eli, but this quickly faded when Eli smashed through his cage. Eli was shot with tranquillisers but they had minimal effect, and it took over a whole box until he was stopped. The villagers of Llancig were relieved at the news of Eli's arrest. Branwen Bourne describes the tears of joy and the party that lasted a week. Villager toppled Eli's brass statue and made a giant candle to signify Eli's darkness leaving the village. DCI Dexter Whatley speaks of how John Craddock, Eli's victim, was hit over 100 times and had to be shovelled off the floor. At the start of the trial, Eli immediately dismissed Penny and defended himself. Eli refused to answer questions, mocked the Judge, removed his top, pretended to sleep, and wore a different wig every day. He also successfully initiated a Mexican Wave. At one point during the trial, Eli dropped to his knees and spent hours listing names of animals that he has killed. The trial lasted several weeks despite the huge amount of CCTV evidence, including Eli shouting "My name is Eli Roberts!" Eli remained calm and unaffected however, until the judge mentions his mother. Eli immediately turns violent and Eli is again covered in tranquilliser darts. On day 15, Eli called a witness - Eli Roberts. Through the dry ice, lasers, and rock music, a mirror image of Eli enters. The trial immediately crumbles, as it would be impossible to prove which Eli committed the crime, and the jury find Eli not guilty. Eli was kept in custody for 6 months for assault he committed during the trial, but rings Host from prison and leaves a threatening message Episode 33 - Redeeming Eli, Part 3 Eli is serving his sentence at Parkhurst Prison on the Isle of Wight and invites Host to visit him. Eli has taken over the governor's office and one of the staff gives Host an Elephant Gun for protection. Eli speaks about how he wouldn't use an Elephant Gun as he once took down a baby elephant with a snooker ball and a sock. Speaking of Llancig, Eli insults the intelligence of the villagers and is not surprised that they are celebrating his arrest. He insists his business of forcing them to work for free counts as charity work. Eli reveals that Twin-Eli has returned to Llancig, as it is their home. In order to show dominance in prison, Eli beat up the smallest man so badly he shocked himself. However, he also felt pride and ripped his shirt off and roared. Eli was summoned by the governor - Peter Faircluff - and after refusing to go into solitary confinement attacked (potentially killed) two guards. Eli locked Peter in his cell and took over running the prison (cutting the phone lines to keep it secret). Eli has given the prisoners jobs, including creating a vast tapestry depicting the takeover and Eli's life, and burnt the chapel to ensure that the prison is entirely devoted to The Church of Eli. Two-thirds of the prison successfully converted, the remaining 900 prisoners died. New prisoners are brought in front of Eli, where he checks that they have had a full body talcing and asks if they would like to join The Church of Eli or if they would like to die. The prisoners are then free to do whatever Eli tells them to do - likely tapestry duty. (Tapestries are so central to Eli's rule because as a child he visited Bayeaux and saw their famous tapestry. He was inspired by the idea of his legacy living forever through one) Eli takes Host to see the life-tapestry, and Host is amazed, reporting it is more impressive than Cliff Trent-Robert's Beef Sistine Chapel. The tapestry is already several hundred yards long. Eli closes the interview by warning Host he will peel him and put him in a vat of salt is he doesn't like the final edit of the show. After a guard escapes and tips off the police about Eli's takeover, a week long siege occurs. It ended after column of army tanks, artillery and infantry encircled the prison. On the rooftop, Eli shouted for the tank commander to join him and "experience ultimate freedom", and shot the elephant gun into the sky. The army retaliated and Eli was hit with machine gun fire, flamethrowers and an artillery shell. No body was recovered. Host later received a package containing a scrap of the tapestry showing Eli bleeding, burnt, grinning and running from the prison. Episode 38 - Rev Hillary Block The Church of Eli is listed as the world's fastest growing cult, with headquarters on every continent. Eli was photographed opening a new mega-church in South Korea. Members of The Persuasion sent the show many letters disguised as regular letters, tricking host into reading them out. Hillary admits meeting with Eli and giving a sermon at the mega-church but insists it was a mission to convert people to his beliefs. When Host asks if the two religions might one day merge due to both seeing a cow as God, Hillary says they won't, and the Church of Eli members are "lost calves". Episode 46 - Eli Roberts In Korea Eli is revealed to have been living in the demilitarised zone between North and South Korea, living off birds struck by landmines thrown at them by Eli. Landmines were also used to fend off military personnel. Eli left this area when a member of the Church of Eli flagged him down and asked him to come to the mega-church in South Korea. Eli preaches his beliefs in front of the 40,000 members of The Persuasion, but was disappointed in how many failed to pass his tests (a peak of 80% failed in the summer). Whilst discussing fitness with Host, Eli insisted he gets fitter everyday and is stronger than he was 30 years ago and will only continue to get stronger as he ages. He also has a resting heart-rate of 1 beat per minute and admits that the last 5 seconds between each beat leaves him light headed as the oxygen runs out. Eli shows Host some of his training techniques, to Host's dismay and extreme pain. To combat the high mortality, Eli introduces compulsory fitness lessons and creates fitness camps. Phillip Seastram describes the false pretences that lured him to one of Eli's fitness camps, and the terrible conditions he endured. The regime starts with an all-out fight with all members (up to 10,000), then moves onto some light stretching before the resistance workout - rock and hammer throwing, slapping, and tests of strength (mainly trying to pull limbs off other people and/or "wishbone" them). The numbers are now down to ~6,000. The dogs are then brought in, roughly one per person. Philip's experience was being split into groups of 10,000 people, told to pick a weapon from a table, marched into a field and forced to fight until there was only one survivor. After Host reported Eli's death-games to the Seoul police force, they burned Eli's mega-church to the ground. Eli leaves a message in retaliation, threatening to burn Host's house. Episode 51 - Live At The European Barn Doors And Gates Expo Eli joins Host at the European Barn Doors And Gates Expo. He is closed off at first but reveals that after his megachurch in Korea was dissolved he returned to the demilitarised zone (DMZ). He used to feel at home there but returning crushed him as he couldn't rediscover the joy he first felt. He compares it to being born - in the womb you can toilet wherever you want and eat whatever you want (within reason) - and after the niceness of being born and having a change of scenery you grow up and don't want to return to the womb. Returning to DMZ was heartbreaking for Eli as he'd done and seen it all. As he'd lost his passport (he is not a monarchist, doesn't like the concept of being free, and beat a man to death with a shoe), Eli walked back to the UK via central Asia and Russia, spreading the gospel according to Eli. Eli was raised in Russia and recalls how he was suckled by a she-wolf in the mountains of Siberia, and remembers his father - Russian Nicky - bouncing him on his knee. Host mentions Eli's vomiting before coming on to stage and Eli talks about his trip to Chernobyl (including how he slept naked in the reactor core) where he enjoyed the radioactive power surging though him that left feeling invigorated and stronger, but admits it has made him less empathetic than he used to be. Eli is establishing his church in the UK along with his text - The Eli Roberts Book of the Book of Eli - which encapsulates his life and his attitude to life. Host reads an excerpt of Eli's book that speaks of how his decent into madness seems to have been triggered after he took his school's pet guinea pig - Boggles - home for the holidays. He wore Boggles as a hand puppet and followed his teacher to Spain, confronting her dressed as Boggles. Her fate is unknown. Eli has a beautiful singing voice. Host reveals that despite his protests, Eli plans to forcibly covert the audience to his church, choosing between joining or death. His region doesn't as much believe in life after death, but death after life, with Eli deciding how, where and when the death occurs. Eli performs a quick sermon, telling people to open their eyes (literally) and open their hearts (also literally) and the only way to redemption is not only though him, but by letting Eli go through them. The crowd quickly joins in the chanting for Eli. The following audio is cut, but Host implies serious injuries were obtained. The crowd then sings Eli's hymn. Category:Characters